Why Idiocy is Expensive.

Why do people keep stealing my money? Actually it’s more like phone companies ‘taking’ my money. And it’s not really stealing if I owe it to them.

Recently, my anonymous (but numerically named) phone company deducted $400 out of my bank account and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I only realised this when I rang the bank for an entirely different purpose (I’m pretty sure the women on the other end thought it was for a chat). We chatted for some time about all kinds of things; my plans for New Years, what I’d been up to in the holidays, and eventually the fact that my account had been overdrawn by a hideous amount of cash. Together we agreed that I would need to transfer some money before I could have any New Years Eve fun, and privately I agreed that she should mind her own business.

Aware of my own financial-management limitations (last week I got three parking fines) but eternally optimistic, I came to the conclusion that it must be some kind of mistake. I decided I would make a quick call to the phone-people, and together we would rectify the mix-up. Probably we’d all have a great laugh, and afterwards they’d send me a promotional cooking-apron for my troubles.

After being put through to three different audio-menus (one of whom I am sure was just some guy called Brett who didn’t want to answer his head-set, saying ‘Press 2 to be put through to someone else…”), I began pressing ‘0’ many times until the phone started ringing. I took this as a success, and gave myself a mental high five.

While I waited for someone to answer, I practiced my best ‘assertive voice’. This is the same voice I use on Oscar (my family’s Fox Terrier), but without the American accent (My Dad is American and so to be obeyed other family members need to adopt an accent too). In my new voice, I practiced sentences like “I’d like you to put the money back into my account”, “Can I please speak to your supervisor?” and “Get in your basket”. After this I happily imagined what my new cooking-apron would look like, and all the parking fines I could pay with $400.

It all happened quite quickly after that. The nice man who I spoke to said the reason the money had been deducted was because as a client of the company, I would be required to pay my bill every month. In my weakening assertive voice, I asked why the bill was so high. He said it was because I had used the phone a lot, and asked if I would like to go through the bill together. I said “No thank you”. He suggested I take a look at the bill that had been emailed to me the week before. I said “Ok”. After mentally running through my list of practiced expressions (from paragraph above), and realising that none of them were quite appropriate I said “Thank you” (assertively, I thought) and hung up.

So basically, all that I have realised is that being an idiot is a luxury that I can no longer afford. Maybe that’s for the best.

Here is a lovely old house/church that I saw over Christmas, in the adorable town of Braidwood. There was also two antique lamp shops on that street.